advice page

I desperately need your advice. I am in love with a man doing life in prison. (Yes, that's right, natural life.) I have dated him (I'll call him Ham) for 2 1/2 years and he is the very man I've longed for all my life. We are like "soul mates" and I feel he knows me better than I know myself (even though others say that can't be possible). Anyway, the problem is, there is another man that is in my life (I'll call him Luke) who loves me dearly, is a wonderful man and adores my two boys. He is on the outside, living in the real world. We have been dating for 5 months and yes I love him in my own way. The problem is ... my love and strong desire for the other man (the one doing life) is keeping me from giving my total self to the free man. Do you feel me? I want to be fair to him and love him as he loves me and as he deserves but I just can't stop thinking of the other man who I strongly believe was placed on earth for me. We were meant for each other and I'm praying constantly that God will answer my prayers and allow him to be released from prison soon and very soon. I even have his name tattooed on my arm. Got it last New Years Eve and he has my name on his back. (The guy in prison that is) I love him so much and can't stop comparing his sincere love, understanding and compassion for me to this other guy's. When I get into battles with Luke I often say to myself "Ham wouldn't say this or that, Ham wouldn't treat me like this or that." He's (Ham) just so patient and understanding with me it's unbelievable. I mean ... he is the one who built my self-esteem back up and allowed me to love and be the free person that I have always been. He has never snickered his nose up at me. Not even when I've shared my deepest secrets with him.

Ms. T please give me some advice. How should I handle this? What should I do? I mean.. this would be selfish to my boys because they need a strong male role model and I need a helpmate but I can't ever see not loving Ham and to be honest if he came home today or tomorrow he could DEFINITELY interrupt anything and everything within my household. Just being honest. Word is bond. I've even started writing a book about our prison love experience. Got a little writers block right now but hoping to continue one day. Well, any advice you can give would greatly be appreciated.

See you at the book launch. Good Luck and GOD BLESS!!!

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Wow!

Look, I'm all into the "Love conquers all" thing, but sista girl, you've got some serious issues!

You didn't say when he was put away, so I'm assuming you met him while he was in prison. So, let's start with the fact that if you fell for someone you met while they were doing natural life, you might have some self-esteem issues. I mean, come on . . . let's be real. Why the hell would you even consider getting involved with a man you KNOW you don't stand a chance of ever being with in any kind of real way. Yeah, I bet he's patient with you. After all, the brotha ain't got nothing but time on his hands, now does he? And hell yeah, he's sweet and understanding. Tell the truth, you're letting brotha man run up your telephone bills with his collect calls, aren't you? And you're taking time out of your life to go out and visit him. And be honest, you're hitting him up with money from time-to-time so he can have commissary, aren't you? Yeah, like I said, I bet brotha man is real sweet and understanding.

Don't read me to say that the prison brotha is some kind of con man and is only buttering you up to use you (although that MIGHT be the case). What I am saying, though, is that the fact that you've decided to tie up your future in a relationship that has no real future speaks volumes about your mental and emotional state. Why don't you think more of yourself, Sis? You don't think you deserve better than this?

I'm supposing you don't since you say you have a wonderful man on the outside, who adores you, treats you well, treats your kids well, and that you love in your "own way" (whatever the hell that means!). And you can't give yourself over to him completely because you harbor desire for the prison brotha?

Let me school you on something, Sis. The guy that you're dating who's on the outside? Guess what? You know what kind of a man he is outside of prison, don't you? You know he's wonderful, sweet, loves you and your kids and wants to spend time with you. Not because that's what he says, but because that's what he does. The guy that's on the inside? Well, all you know for sure about how he would act if he were on the outside with you is what he says. And men on the inside can talk really sweet.

My advice? Believe it or not, I'm NOT going to tell you to drop the brotha in prison or to permanently get with the wonderful brotha on the outside . . . my advice is for you to start doing some meditation or get some professional help to find out why you don't treasure yourself (and your sons!) enough to want to be with a real man and not a prison fantasy.